I say “thank you” every day for the life I live. Quite literally I pinch myself at all that I have and all that I have experienced. I have four wonderful children, my health, both parents still living and I am in a beautiful relationship. I own a fabulous boat, drive an amazing car, and live in my dream home. So why should a simple comment I received recently be worrying me?
I received a message a few days ago and it ran something like this: I know you are a healer and you are doing great work, please keep doing it. Instead of thinking “Wow, that’s great,” it really got me searching for answers.
To be honest the question has been on my mind for some time. Maybe it’s just ego, a need to measure everything?
Am I a healer ? Who am I, and what am I here for?
These thoughts buzz in my head mixed with self doubt: measurement, my mind, allowing, just being, success, purpose, mission. It’s like all these things are being stirred up in a large bowl by me, but I don’t know what the final mix will be. And—why does it matter? A large part of me knows it does not, the divine has the answer: stop looking!
Like everyone I have many parts to who I am; there is the spiritual part, the sensitive part, the father, the businessman (the part of me that was at the fore for many years), the designer, the creator, the adventurer, the sailor, and in latter years the healer.
Can I really call myself a healer? Who am I at my core, and why am I worrying about it?
I have always been a sailor and a love of the sea has always run through my life. Travel and adventure have always been part of who I am, along with fast cars. I am a father and that is the most beautiful role—not one I have always gotten right, but I believe I am slowly growing into it. My four children are a source of joy and love.
I was made a Freeman of the city of London for my furniture designs, but in truth, whilst they were ok, I don’t see myself as a furniture designer, just someone with an eye for balance and proportion. A businessman: that is how most of my friends and family would categorise me. I have tasted success and failure in business—luckily the success outweighed the failure, and I have been able to stop work in my mid 50s to follow the mission I have been given—to build thinkmiracle. But success in business is partly down to the ability to take risks, I guess I have a talent for negotiation and strategy, to understand what is likely and what is possible, to read people. And lately, I believe I was helped along the way by meditation and by God.
And therein lies the problem. You see I was led down a “spiritual” path, I lost everything, and after many years in the wrong relationship, for the first time I was alone. My kids were young adults, and I lived alone. At that point I was under the impression I needed to be with someone, needed human company, but it turned out time alone was the best thing for me, I thrived in it. I read everything I could on spirituality and slowly worked out a practice for me, a practice that saw me, for the first time in my life, find contentment and happiness. It was ironic but fitting that I found it alone and with a personal debt in excess of £500,000.
It was towards the end of this period that I began getting messages.
Now I have “seen” ghosts my entire life and felt the energy of spaces, but I have never had “messages“ and if I did, they passed me by! These new ones were impossible to ignore, they weren’t odd shaped clouds or coincidences, but physical actions— almost always at 3.30a.m. It took me some time with ever stronger “messages“ to understand that my mission in life was to earn enough money to repay my debts, and fund myself and thinkmiracle, dedicating myself to it for the rest of my life.
I often joke with those who know me well: why couldn’t I just fritter the money away and have a good time like everyone else? Why me?
And then we come to the healer comment? Why am I a so called healer, when in truth, whilst I feel confident sailing, driving or running a company, I feel ill-equipped as a healer, a fraud maybe. Yes, I talk about what I did to change my life and what I still do every day. And yes, those things changed me and changed my life. But what now? Spiritual teaching tells me to allow, to just be and let thinkmiracle happen, but my business head asks me constantly why I am not reaching more people, what else I should be “doing.”
Repeating things I have learned and do myself, that’s not really being a healer is it? And what of the retreats and the answers that come to me when “teaching?” That’s true, that is healing, but the answers are given to me, and frankly the numbers of people we see are so small, I can’t see how will that make any real difference? How do I use thinkmiracle to change the world?
Why are we not growing faster? Fast enough for what/ or who of course is the question? Fast enough to satisfy my business brain that’s used to growing companies and seeing concrete results, that’s probably the only yardstick I have. But it’s been pointed out to me many times that it’s not appropriate here. Thinkmiracle is not a business but a mission.
And in the end I have to do what I feel. Then the answer is easy. Follow the steps in thinkmiracle, meditate more, keep learning, live what I speak. Acceptance or allowing is hard for me. It’s different and it’s new, but I constantly remind myself to be not do—to allow and accept and then it will be.
Healers have doubts too…